This past week in church, I realized I no longer feel that way. I don't feel free. I don't feel balanced. In fact, lately, I feel as if I've been struggling the hardest with letting things - of any kind - go... And because of that, it's become quite the pretentious challenge to move forward in any way at all.
So, I prayed about it.
See, while I'm the girl who wrote that post about letting go of certain individuals, I'm also the girl who wrote that post about loving unconditionally. While I'm the girl who wants to understand that letting go is part of moving forward, I'm also the girl who just can't stand to let people walk away. Personally, I think that's because even when relationships don't work out, even when friendships fade, I truly want to be someone that other people value their time with. I want them to speak kindly of me. I want them to be able to say, "she made me a better person; the time I spent with her was worth it."
Don't we all, though?
At the end of the day, the fact of the matter is that no matter what we want, there are situations, people, and reactions out of our control. There are people that we need to let go of in order to move forward.
Now, I don't believe in labeling people "toxic" because these so-called "toxic" people are rarely vengeful or inhumane. In fact, some of the most "toxic" people in our lives are the ones who love us the most. Many of them, contrary to popular belief, have good intentions. Most of these people are only considered "toxic" because their needs and way of existing in the world cause us to compromise ourselves, our values, and our happiness. They aren't imminently bad people, they just aren't the right people. We aren't for them and they aren't for us. As challenging as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without surrounding yourself with people who don't make you a better you. As much as you care, it is never worth eradicating yourself for the sake of someone else.
That might mean that you have to love a family member from a distance. It might mean that you have to break up with the person you love and respect the most. It might even mean that you need to avoid a painful situation until you're in the right state of mind to handle it properly. Whatever that might mean for us, we need to make sure to remember that our well-being is a priority and no one is going to make it that way unless we do ourselves.
When I realized this and actually started to believe it, I felt lighter again. I felt free, balanced, and a lot more like myself. The me that I want to be, anyway.
I want to lay down at night and have my head hit the pillow knowing that the people in my life are making the me I am today a better me tomorrow. I want to close my eyes and rest in the assurance that my well-being is a priority. That I am valued. That I am worthy. I want to wake up in the morning and be the spunky Kenz, the confident Kenz, the carefree Kenz, and the Kenz that knows she is surrounded and supported by people who cherish her for everything that she is - imperfections and all.
In fact, today, I not only want that. I refuse to accept anything less than that.