4.09.2014

This Is My Reality

It was late, I was exhausted, and I had just clicked the play button on my worship playlist. I grabbed my nighttime meds off the end table, took a sip of water, and swallowed the tiny pills just like I had a million nights prior. I reached over to turn off my lamp just as my phone lit up. After I was all nestled into bed, I grabbed my phone and opened the text message:

"I thought I could understand but I cant. Your health stuff is too much drama"

Let's backtrack for a moment here. Prior to receiving the text message that has become the premise of this blog post, I'd been having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about the reasoning he had behind our break-up. Initially, he had lots of reasons, of course... None that truly mattered to or even hurt me, truthfully. Until he added the one I have no control over. Until, of course, he added the one that I already struggle with every. single. second. of every. single. day.

I'll be the first to admit... My first reaction? Laughter. Oh, did I laugh. I said to myself, "Okay, Kenz, he just doesn't get it. This has nothing to do with you." In fact, I was actually thinking logically for a few solid minutes...but then, suddenly, it stung.

In the midst of my little snickers, I started to fake laugh. Eventually, silent tears started rolling down my face. I dropped my iPhone on the floor, put my face into my pillow, and cried... Slowly, and then all at once, the sting I felt ebbed itself away and eased off. Through tear-filled eyes, I realized something.

This lifestyle I live...
These medications I take... 
The braces I wear... 
The limitations I face... 
The pain I feel... 
And the tears I cry because of it all... 

None of it is drama. Each of those things juxtaposed with one another create my reality.

My reality is waking up to a completely swollen hand, epicly celebrating a 1 mile run, and not being able to fall asleep at night because of the pain of a swollen shoulder.


My reality is passing out during lab work, getting excited over a new medication that might put this gruesome disease into remission, and not being able to hold my head up straight because of spinal injections.


My reality is doing my weekly self-injection at 11 p.m. on a school night after a speech meet and homework, finding inspiration in advocating for autoimmune diseases any way I possibly can, and spending long days/nights in a hospital surrounded by specialists.


And, so, to my ex-boyfriend, this blog post is my response to your text message. The only person responsible for your misunderstanding is yourself. If you're looking for a solution, take responsibility for that misunderstanding instead of discounting the lasting and varied impact that struggle has. Ask questions. Be patient. Open your mind. Open your heart, for goodness sake. And stop diminishing the importance of the things you haven't experienced.

My reality may look different. It may appear a bit more demanding, pretentious, and at times, insanely complicated...but there's not a single chance that your misunderstanding gets to say my challenging reality is merely a synonym for drama. 


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24 comments:

katielookingforward said...

Ugh, what a loser (seriously, don't even try to defend him, I'm sure he's okay about some things, but that is just silly). My brother has special needs and I generally have potential boyfriends meet him early in the game. If they can deal with the realities of my life, they aren't worthy of being a part of it. I live in a small town so I understand that sometimes there are people you see in social settings that you just have to deal with, but i would limit interaction with him. He's not worth your time.

Blake - One Eighty Blog said...

Damn! You go, girl! Don't let him upset you. He seems like an inconsiderate, selfish jerk!

Amanda aka Manda said...

You're strength continues to amaze me! I battled this situation with my own brother. He just never understood and thought I was just being dramatic all the time. He finally about a year ago realized I wasn't "faking it" and has taken the time to learn. Some people are worth educating and others aren't. That I've learned to be true, but we have to continue to share our stories and get information out there for others to at least try understand!

Mason's Mama said...

I agree with Amanda...your strength amazes me! This is such a great post. You continually bless me and inspire me with your positiveness. Big hugs to you!!

BoardingTogether said...

Good for you for writing this post. And good for you for standing up for yourself. He isn't worth your time and if you ask me, he is the only "drama" in your life.

Tiffany @ The Fit Train said...

Bravo!

I've been told the "health drama" several times from guys in the past as well. Which is also a big reason they are my past.

Someday, you are going to find a man that may not fully understand your struggles, but that loves you through them anyways. A man that recognizes that those struggles are what have shaped you into the amazing person you are.

It will happen, hun. And when it does, you will understand why it never worked with anyone else.

Good for you on putting the blame where it belongs. It most definitely is not drama, and it most definitely is not you. It's him.

Amber Thomas said...

YES. YES. YES. YES.

Girl, your health is reality, not drama. And any boy that sees it as that is more drama than you'll ever be (JA or not). If all he sees is health issues, he's blind in eleventy billion ways.

Love you so dearly.

Pamela said...

He obviously does NOT deserve one single ounce of your wonderful, pretty self!

Sarah said...

Your strength amazes me. Way to go, Kenz!

Life with Amberly said...

You are amazing, and you deserve someone who truly respects and admires you for everything you go through on a daily basis! I'm sorry your relationship ended (that's always the worst feeling in the world), but you are strong, and I know you'll get through this!!! Thank you for being such an example of strength, courage and hope for the rest of us. And never in a million years would I ever say that you are drama.

Alan Brewington said...

A true man realizes your awesomeness, a true boy runs away! As the saying goes, good riddance to bad garbage.

Aimee Espinoza said...

Yay you in writing about this! You deserve better...know that there will be better out there for you. You're stronger than he'll ever be.

Jamie Vespa said...

Well it sounds to me like that was a blessing in disguise because you deserve someone who is there for you unconditionally! Anything less is just not good enough!

Never That Easy said...

Hell yes. So wonderfully put.

jamie anderson said...

Shame on that guy! Stand strong!

Andrea @ Love is... said...

You are amazing lady!

Charlene Maugeri said...

You go girl! What a jerk. You deserve so much better than that. I admire you and what you go through with this disease and how you handle it. It is not drama. It is reality.

Jen said...

You are absolutely amazing my friend! This guy obviously does not realize what an amazing person you are. It is his loss!

CoCoJo said...

Well said! One day he may find himself experiencing something similar and he should hope to be as brave and strong as you are! Drama is a tv show not a serious health condition! ;-)

Leah D said...

Kudos to you love for writing this post!! It might have to do with his maturity level, but don't sweat it! Boys can be dumb and you will find a good one that won't think anything about you is DRAMA! XOXO

Dawn @ Life in the Sack said...

Your strength is inspiring. And maybe this is God telling you that there will be someone even better for you futher down the path. Have faith, love.

Tayler Morrell said...

My husband has M.S. He told me before we were engaged. It made me nervous and I started to doubt my relationship with him. But, after praying, God told me this man was my soul-mate. We have been married for a year and a half, have visited the hospital a handful of times and been on 3 different medications. His MS still scares the Sh** out of me, but I love my husband. I am here for him and I support him as much as I can when his condition affects him.

Adrienne at La Vita e Bella said...

This is wonderfully put my dear! There is nothing dramatic about what you deal with everyday, he just wasn't mature enough to handle it. He learn. Prayers for you sweet girl!

Laura @ The Everyday Joys said...

Clearly, I am so very behind in catching up on blogs, but I saved my favorites to go back and read.

Ugh. Kenzie. I'm sorry you had to read those words, because really? How frustrating. How annoying. Drama is NOT a word that belongs with your situation and what you are dealing with. Drama sounds, to me, like a word someone would use when they simply cannot deal with something...so, it's labeled...incorrectly, at that.

I'm sorry, friend.