I Just Want to Be Better

*** Written last night -- April 3rd, 2016 -- the night before today -- SUBTOTAL COLECTOMY DAY!

No positive pants on here tonight.

I started drinking my colon clean-out prep a few hours ago. I carefully selected orange Gatorade to mix the solution with when I was in Target the other day because it's a flavor I haven't yet gotten sick of (after 3 colon clean-outs in the past 6ish months). Anyway, I started drinking it and had just given myself a pat on the back for finishing the third glass when a full-force feeling of nausea came over me. Immediately, I ran to the bathroom and threw most (if not all) of the solution right back up.

I flushed the toilet, peeled myself from the bathroom floor, and cleaned myself up. I dizzily limped back to my sisters bedroom floor where I've set up camp for the weekend and threw myself onto my small mattress. I whispered one word as teardrops made their way down my cheeks..."why?"

I texted my mom almost immediately and told her to come downstairs when she was done eating/cleaning up supper with the rest of my family. A few minutes later, I heard her making her way down the steps and almost instantly those stray tears turned to unrelenting sobs. As she entered the room, my mom asked, "Kenzie, what's wrong?" Before I could even gather my thoughts and form a response, the words came sputtering out of my mouth. I replied, "I just want to be better." 

I am desperate to be better.

I can't stand another uncomfortable conversation about the chronic constipation I deal with or drinking another glass full of water + Miralax. I can't stand one more night of puking my guts out on the bathroom floor and screaming out in pain as my unruly colon attacks itself. I can't stand enemas, suppositories, laxatives, stool softeners, one more sip of magnesium citrate, or any other over-the-counter solution that "should work for me." I cannot stand it. I just want to be better.

And thankfully, I will be. I'm choosing to believe that. To hold onto hope and positivity even though those things feel so far from the truth tonight.

How wonderful it is to have surgery scheduled just 12 hours after I hit my breaking point. How wonderful it is that I have a brilliant surgeon on my side who is more than ready to get me better. How wonderful it is that my close family/friends dropped everything they were doing to pray for me the minute they heard I threw up the solution I'd worked so hard to get down. How wonderful it is that we have a Savior and a Heavenly home awaiting us...one where there will be no tears, no pain, and ABSOLUTELY no colon-clean out solution.

Thank You, Lord, for having Your holy hand in scheduling my subtotal colectomy tomorrow. Thank You, Lord, for knowing my limits and numbering my days before I can predict them myself. Thank You, Lord...because I am so close to having life as I know it tonight be so freaking far away.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Lord...for making me better.


LC said...

So sorry Kenzie:( I'll be praying for today as your have your surgery! Lord, please guide the Dr.'s hands and minds as they work on Kenzie, and please keep her body strong. Let this surgery be the one that heals and makes her life better. In your Son's name, we love and trust, AMEN.

~Dawn~ said...

Praying Praying PRAYING, my dear!!! Hugs!

Jen said...

I am sending so much love your way!!!

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh sweet girl... We all want you to feel better.
Sending you hugs!

Mandy Ford said...

So many prayers and virtual hugs coming your way sweet girl...your spirit is inspiring and I'm so excited for you to finally get back to the life you deserve to live. <3

Colleen said...

Praying so hard for you my friend, having an illness no one else can see or understand is something I know very well. Lots of love and prayers for you.

Syn Eccentric said...

I am so happy for you and that you were able to get your surgery! I have a similar colon war stories that ended in surgery. My problem was past endometriosis and surgery, and an autoimmune disease presumably lupus, used that as an opportunity to slow my colon to a stop and froze my pelvis, and especially the lower portions of my colon in scar tissue.

Anyways, I deeply emphasize. By the end of February I had to be admitted to the hospital because my colon completely shut down. Gagging on GoLytely on no sleep in 2 days with an IV in arm, tripping me during frequent trips in the bathroom. I then moved the the Miralax Gatorade recipe, less disgusting, but for me it took over a day to work. Also countless enemas, bringing up stomach acid and a bit of whatever I had been drinking every 10 minutes, chewing tums like they are going to work, GI not understanding why the prescription stuff does nothing. Crippling pain after eating, and often drinking. The fatigue, the malnutrition, low fiber diets, choking down meal replacement shakes . . .

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Non functioning colons are total agony. If you ever need to vent the past, I'm totally down.

I hope you are on the med and getting the glorious experiences of eating and digestion!