11.03.2014

A Pretty Good Place to Start

Ever since the day I returned from my time in Swaziland, Africa, my heart seemed to be missing a piece that (to this very day) I have not been able to locate. Ever since resuming my life here, I've felt a bit disadvantaged...as if though losing that piece of my heart was a bad thing. As if, for lack of a better word, my time spent there had wrecked me.

And then I went to college where I knew no one and no one knew me. I struggled through surface conversations and small talk while my soul desperately begged for a deep connection again. My best friend was suddenly +10 hours away. The boy I was crazy about went to another school. I spent my first few weeks counting down the time until I could go home again, thinking about sweet summer memories, and trying to preserve every last high school friendship I'd ever had...and it drained me completely.

For awhile, I tossed around the idea of applying to a spring break missions trip to Belize with a team at Bethel. "No," I thought, "I still haven't gotten that piece of my heart back from Swaziland. I can't give away another piece."

When I first started forming new friendships with people here at Bethel, my thought process was quite similar. "No," I thought, "I still haven't gotten the pieces of my heart back from the people who meant the world to me throughout my high school career. I can't give away another piece."



You see, I'm not a letter-goer. Never have been, never will be. I'm a hoarder of feelings and memories and I don't think I'm alone in being that way. So many of us crave new beginnings, the chance to be adventurous, and spontanetiy in its rawest form but struggle to fully enjoy those things or be intimately present in those moments because we are too concerned with clinging onto the past. Don't get me wrong. Remembering and reflecting are good and excellent things...but when those things get in the way of reality and renewal, we stop growing and our lives become plaqued with redundancy rather than opportunity.

One day not too long ago, I rolled out of bed and made some hefty executive decisions. I decided to apply to that missions trip. I decided to let new people in, I decided to let go of the friendships that were no longer valuable to me...and I realized something quite profound in the process. I realized that the beauty of giving little pieces of our hearts away to the things we are crazy about lies in the contingency that we will never the same again and neither will others. I realized that the beauty of never truly getting those little pieces back lies in the lasting impact and influence we leave by living our lives, sharing our struggles, and owning our stories.


I got accepted to that missions trip. I've formed some incredible connections and relationships with people I've known for just over two months. I've grown closer in the few high school relationships I chose to sustain and make a priority. I'm in the midst of praying about a return trip to the carepoint in Swaziland that sealed the deal on my heart for international missions work...and I am happy.

Am I exactly where I want to be? No. I still have to be intentional about being intentional in controlling my thoughts, giving what I cannot control over to God, and very simply being present in the moment. Is it easy? No. It's not. But, since doing the easy thing is almost never the right thing...I'll continue to deliberately make those executive decisions and trust that in doing so, the right opportunities - whether they be missions trips, relationships, or something in between - will present themselves.


I don't know exactly what I want out of life...where I want to be or what I want to do...but I do know that wherever I am, I want to love people with a wild, conspicuous, enormous kinda love that just doesn't make sense...and that seems like a pretty good place to start if you ask me.

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7 comments:

Amanda aka Manda said...

How is it that you write exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it? I give little pieces of my heart away to people and places. I'm definitely a hoarder of feelings and memories too. This post is something I needed to hear/feel right now. Thank you!

And YAY for getting to go to Belize this spring break!!

Kate Mitchell said...

It absolutely is. You have such a big heart that if you give away little bits of it in many meaningful ways you will still have a large one. And if you influence other people with those little bits, your heart will grow even bigger. And even if you don't realize it, your heart will change the world.

Tayler Morrell said...

I kinda felt the same way when I studied abroad in Wales and traveled throughout Great Britain. I wasn't there for missionary work or charitable service, but when I left, after living there for 3 months, I felt I had left a piece of my soul there. Next summer (2015), it will have been 5 years since I went, and I still miss it dearly and yearn to return. But, by traveling out of the country, it has now opened my heart, and I yearn to travel to other places around the world as well. But, a piece of my soul will always belong to Great Britain.

Hallie Oceanside said...

I love every word in this post, and the way you always share your whole heart...but these words...

These words are amazing words to live by. Can I just steal it and tattoo somewhere I'll always remember it! ;)
"I want to love people with a wild, conspicuous, enormous kinda love that just doesn't make sense"

Colleen said...

This is beautiful, you are beautiful. I am so proud of you.

Rachel Lynne said...

I can totally relate, in a semi-different way... I think people who travel and experience new ways of life and other cultures are changed forever. And the place that gives you that experience will always keep a piece of your heart. It is funny that I read a comment from Tayler above because that is my EXACT thought. I also studied abroad in Wales and traveled throughout Europe for a month. I lived with 9 other British students who had a completely different perspective view on life than me. I was COMPLETELY changed by that and have left my heart in London (where I studied for the first few weeks). A day doesn't go by when I do think about it --- anyway, shows your passion! Keep taking as many mission trips like this or go back if you can! :)

Noor Unnahar said...

THIS IS SO TRUE. I find it too hard to attach myself to new people because I'm always sticking myself to old memories that may or may not have the same value in my life.
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