10.28.2013

"Man, she really, really loves Jesus."

This weekend, I foolishly wasted ridiculous amounts of gas driving around. 

Praying.
Thinking.
Crying.
Singing.

Repeat.

Last week was overwhelming. I had the best Monday ever, but woke up in the middle of the night to my sister by my bedside and the discovery of me having a possible seizure. I did a lot of research on a new med I was prescribed for pain, and sure enough... Seizures had been reported. I was never warned about this, so it left me feeling frustrated and terrified. We aren't sure what exactly happened, but I'm working through it.

I was a mess at school Tuesday. Exhausted. But I went anyway. I tried, I cried, and I received graciousness. Everyone I encountered that day greeted me with a hug. Even though they didn't know the situation, they cared.

I tried to smile for the rest of the week. I tried to schedule my new job orientation. I tried to look forward to my weekend off. I tried.

Plans changed, though. And my mom and I found ourselves back on the road to Children's Hospital nearly two hours away. We got a few kinks worked out and I met with my psychologist. It was another overwhelming appointment, but it was insightful and definitely beneficial.

I tried to have fun with my friends Friday and Saturday night, but I just didn't feel like myself. Instead of really partaking in things, I drove around aimlessly and turned up the radio way too loud. I tried to just be.

I thought a lot about what people probably thought of me after I had been so emotional and upset the whole week. I wondered if they'd deemed me "crabby" or "whiny." I wondered how I could talk to the best friends who wanted to help me, but didn't know how. I wondered what how close my parents were to giviing up on trying to understand me.

I wondered a lot.

After all that wondering, I cried out to Jesus and asked Him how I could move on from this past week. I told Him that more than anything, I wanted people to see HIM in my moments of weakness.


He'd been reminding me of a verse all week long, but it really resonated with me during that drive. 

"...but the Lord stood by me and strengthened me." - 2 Timothy 4:17


I'm going to get back to feeling joy this week. Slowly, but pace doesn't matter as long as I get there.

Three times I begged The Lord to take it away from me. Each time He said, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' -2 Corinthians 12:8-9


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19 comments:

The Pink Growl said...

I hope this week is MUCH MUCH better for you sweet friend! I'll pray for you too! XOXO

Hallie Oceanside said...

I hope this week is nothing short that everything you need to gain strength my dear!

I love your honesty in this post, and in writing this I know it will lead you in the right step to felling normal again. That is the best part about these blogs letting everything out for everyone to see really cleanses our souls and our insights and allows us to look forward.

Your instagram with your grandpa visit this weekend had me in tears. My heart knew every single emotion you had at that exact second. It is hands down the best place to really get our minds right. I feel for you so much my dear, but I also know how strong you are and how I know this past week will only add to your strength. Love you sweet girl! xo

Stephanie said...

Oh goodness, I hope this week is much, much better for you. I love these photos of you. Are you going to have to change your medication? xo

Lisa @ Two Martinis said...

I'm so sorry to hear you had such a rough week! Hopefully this one will be MUCH better. (And I love the verses you shared! Such a great reminder)

Amanda aka Manda said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! Sometimes you need to just have that time to yourself and drive around. I've been wondering those same questions (bffs/parents) lately too. I hope this week is better! Praying for you sweet friend!

Allie @ Between Dreams said...

That sounds so incredibly terrifying! I'm so sorry that you went through all of that...
Sometimes when we're deep in those hard-to-live moments, it helps to let ourselves fall into them. Cry it out. Give yourself a pity party. Feel the full effect of what's happening around you - because you need to release that. And that's okay. It's okay that you didn't feel happy all the time, that it's impossible to fake a smile. It's okay.

It sounds like you wondered a lot about what other people thought of you, or how you were effecting other people.. but here's an alternative, what are you afraid will happen if you put yourself first and stop concerning yourself with what others will think?

Praying for your healing, honey xx

katielookingforward.com said...

Can I give you a great big hug?!? I highly recommend liferearranged.com if you want to read a different perspective on seizures and Jeanette also has an amazing faith.

~Dawn~ said...

Hang in there my dear!! I am confident you have the strength to make this a joyful week! {{Hugs}}

jamie vespa said...

Prayers that this week is much better for you!!

Jamie @
The Growing Up Diaries

Amanda said...

It sounds like you really, really love Jesus :) Praying for a better week for you!

Bailey @ Becoming Bailey said...

I hope this week is much better for you. Hang in there, Jesus will hold you up!

Bailey
BecomingBailey.com

Laura @ The Everyday Joys said...

That sounds so scary! You constantly amaze and inspire me, and I pray for you often! Hang in there, girly. You're turning to the right guy. :)

apartment-wife.com said...

such a beautiful and inspiring post, and my heart goes out to you -- good luck with the week, and i hope that you find that joy you're looking for :)

Katie said...

I saw you mention that on Twitter; scary! Just take it easy and remember you have so many to stand behind you, don't try to be too strong.

Elise said...

Oh goodness. Hope that this week is better for you.

Andrea @ Love is... said...

Thoughts & prayers that this week is better for you!

Elle Vee said...

I'm so sorry to hear you had such a bad week :(

I hope things get better for you

Rachael @ Pretty in Pink said...

I hope things get better for you... and I really hope when people see me, they see Jesus too!

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

beautiful.